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[07/13/09 @ 10:12 pm]
new dream. what else.

So I was in the back seat of some car with people and we are in traffic. I guess the driver did something he/she wasn't supposed to because some woman in her late 30's or early 40's gets out of her car with an ice pick and attempts to scratch the car. The girl in shotgun opens the door to tell her to stop and the woman stabs the girl in the head with the pick. Thats not the strange part. What was strange was that there was no blood. It was as if the girls head was made of play-doh or something. Not only that, but nobody in the car freaked out. We all just looked around at each other trying to decide if that just really happened. After I woke up I was brushing my hair this morning and my head hurt where the girl was stabbed. Freeeeaaakyyyyyy....

To dream that you have been stabbed, signifies your struggle with power. You may be experiencing feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. (It wasn't me who was stabbed in the dream but whatevs)

To see an ice pick in your dream, symbolizes your cold feelings which have been suppressed.

To dream that you are in traffic, signifies frustrations in life and that things are not going as smoothly as you would like it to. You feel stuck at where you are in life.

Eh...I guess its not accurate all the time...

[02/23/09 @ 11:49 am]
I'm going to summarize these dreams because there are 4 of them...from the same night...k?

Pre-partying with an ex and random people drinking before a concert I start dancing with him someone catches it on tape and we cant delete it for some reason.

"To dream that you are at a party, suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself."
"To dream that you are drinking alcohol, denotes that you are seeking either pleasure or escape."
"To dream that you are dancing with a partner, signifies intimacy and a union of the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself. If you are leading, then it indicates that you are in control of your personal life. It could also mean that you are being overly aggressive and assertive."
"To see a camera in your dream, signifies your desires to cling on and/or live in the past. Alternatively, it may represent you need to focus on a particular situation. Perhaps you need to get a clearer picture or idea.
To dream that the camera is broken, indicates that you are ignoring an issue or refusing to see the big picture."

getting a costume for something and looking for a black and purple wig and talking to my mom about some things that shouldn't be talked about between a mother and daughter.

"the dream may be a metaphor that you are "wigging out" or making a big deal over some trivial matter."
nothing about talking about sexuality...oh well

wandering and searching for some party
"To dream that you are wandering, suggests that you are searching and looking for some direction in your life. You are lacking motivation. Alternatively, it represents a transformation."

Ok. This is a strange one. I'm going to have to go into detail about this dream.
I'm in like a high school boys bathroom. This girl gets in my face half seducing me half threatening me. Her friend comes by randomly and says the exact same thing that the other girl is saying. Eventually, the girl starts fingering me while threatening me. This was not consented, so I scream. It cuts to a classroom where a man says "She's interrogating some girl again in the boys bathroom." I then wake up.

"To dream of seduction, is an expression of your sexual desires. Alternatively, you may be feeling lured into doing something you might not otherwise have done. You may be giving up your power of choice."
"To dream that you are being threatened, indicates that you have internalized some fear and are feeling inadequate or oppressed."
"To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex (this part doesn't apply for it was a woman that did it. I hate women i guess?). You are feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life."
"To dream that you are being interrogated, indicates that something or someone in your waking life is trying to squeeze every bit of energy or information out of you. You may be feeling stressed or burdened."


[02/19/09 @ 9:21 pm]
New dream time.
This one I can't remember all of the details but basically, I went home. However, I don't remember seeing anyone. All I remember is being frustrated and turning on the tv and seeing some famillier cartoon. Kind of like That 70's Show, but it was cartoon form and in modern times...and somebody's hair was blue. Nothing too special, but because I remembered it I figured it has to mean something. TO THE DREAM DICTIONARY!

"In particular, to see your childhood home, your hometown, or a home that you previously lived in, indicates your own desires for building a family. It also reflects aspects of yourself that were prominent or developed during the time you lived in that home. You may experience some feelings or unfinished expression of emotions that are now being triggered by a waking situation."
"To dream that you are watching cartoons, indicates that you are not taking life seriously."

The blue hair wasn't in there. I don't know. In this case, I don't see how this translation relates. Eh, win some lose some.

[02/17/09 @ 11:17 am]
new dream to add.

So I'm with a bunch of friends on line to see a concert of some band I was a huge fan of way back when but recently haven't listened to much. They, in real life, hate this band but in the dream they are hardcore fans. So we are waiting for a long time, talk, all that jazz. Eventually we are let in to the theatre. Now, instead of it being a concert, its some movie. On the screen is one of those things that say "text to such and such number and leave a message to someone telling everyone you love this person!" It said others but thats the only one that is of significance. Anyway for the others plenty of messages are left, yet nobody sends any for the one to express love. I'm thinking at this point "Jesus does nobody in this damn place give a fuck about someone?"

No need to look up the last part in the dream dictionary. It totally has to do with the current standing of my parents marriage. You know, she actually said "I can't continue on waking up every morning wishing he was dead." I just want this whole situation to go away. And after the thing with Ryan yesterday...I am once again wondering if two people can honestly care about each other equally. I don't know about the on line to a concert thing though...I'll dream dictionary that one.

"To dream that you are at a concert, represents harmony and cooperation in a situation or relationship in your waking life. You are experiencing an uplift in your spirits."
"To dream that you are in a movie theater, indicates that you are attempting to protect yourself from your emotions and/or actions. Viewing them on a movie screen projects them onto another person and thus makes those feelings/actions distant . You may be protecting yourself from experiencing them."

Ok so the concert thing would be me and Ryan's relationship, because the whole thing yesterday didn't happen yet. What about the movie theatre thing? I didn't view my life or anything on the screen, just the text things. Am I protecting myself from being vulnerable enough to care about someone? Or was I trying to hide from my feelings about the divorce thing? I didn't really break down until the day after the dream. The latter is probably it.

Well thats it for now.

[12/23/08 @ 12:19 pm]
So the Grandma dying dreams haven't happened in a while. But now I have dreams like this one.
I'm at a theme-park of some sort and I have to go to the bathroom. So i go into one of the restrooms. This restroom is DISGUSTING. Anywhoo I go and look for a decent toilet. First ones are just grimy. Then I find one that seems decent, but when I go to sit down, water begins shooting at me. I look at the next one and the waters just shooting through the stall like nobody business. Next stall isn't even a toilet, its an upside-down urinal. Finally I see a separate room with its own bathroom in it. I go in there. Everything seems alright besides it being as clean as a gas station bathroom. Then out of nowhere, some guy opens the door, not realizing I am in there. Funny thing is that it wasn't the door I went through, it was one to the park. The door wasn't even one where it could be locked; more like one that is found on one of those old southern shacks or something, where its all broken down and really serves no purpose whatsoever. I don't remember much besides that but this is what the handy-dandy dream dictionary has to say about it.

Bathroom: To dream that you are in the bathroom, relates to your instinctual urges. You may be experiencing some burdens/feelings and need to "relieve yourself". Alternatively, it may symbolize purification and self-renewal. You need to cleanse yourself, both emotionally and psychologically.
To dream that you can not find the bathroom, signifies that you are have difficulties in releasing and expressing your emotions.

That random upside down urinal: To see a urinal in your dream, signifies disorder in your personal relationships. (i guess since it was upside down my personal relationships are REALLY fucked up)

The guy opening the door: To see opened doors in your dream, symbolizes your receptiveness and willingness to accept new ideas/concepts. In particular, to see a light behind it suggests that you are moving toward greater enlightenment/spirituality.

There was also a dream on this website where they had similar situations. This guy was in a public restroom that was maze-like. Here's what the interpreter said:
Your dream really shows a preoccupation with the bathroom. The bathroom is a place where natural functions occur; symbolically this includes the expression of your feelings/thoughts and your instinctual nature. Since our early learning about bathroom activities are usually taught by parents, it can reflect early training/conditioning, which you accept or rebel against. Therefore, the bathroom may bring about issues of control, rebellion, and independence.
You described the bathroom as some sort of maze. This suggest that you are feeling confused and lost in your own sea of emotions. Are you experiencing some feelings or burdens and need to "relieve yourself"?

Ok so putting it all together, there are a bunch of relationships and/or emotions that are bugging me. One of them is really messed up. I also might want to gain some sort of control into my life. Some part of me just needs to let go in some way or another. But then, someone is going to help me accept the problems or maybe fix them.

So now all i have to do is put names to the symbols (i.e find out what's bugging me and who's going to help me with it). Have a good day.

[12/19/08 @ 6:53 pm]
Well. It's a new record. Three whole days without an epic fight. The bliss was only destroyed by, well, an epic fight. Merry Christmas

**p.s** Sorry all the posts so far are so depressing. It's just that time of year.

[12/18/08 @ 12:48 pm]
Ok. So I am getting kind of sick of these dreams where my grandmother dies. I never had a recurring dream before that I recall but this is definitely getting on my last nerve. I went to dream dictionary as I normally do when a dream is not so comforting to the mind, and it said there was a lack of "nurturance, protection, and unconditional love." I don't really see that being the case so for once the dream dictionary fails. So it may mean she's going to croak. I'm just sick of worrying. I know that sounds selfish but that's how I feel right now. I'm sick of fearing this time of year that everyone around me is going to die. Every year around christmastime everyone misses death by the tiniest bit and every year it's extremely overwhelming. Maybe things would be easier if some of them did die so I could stop worrying and just get to the mourning part.
I don't know, maybe I don't mean any of this and I am just really frustrated about the whole recurring dream thing. Ask me when I have calmed down.

[12/09/08 @ 9:39 pm]
So Grandma's back in the hospital. Apparently this time is a bit more serious because they have to put her in a home until she is fully healed. If she fully heals. I really should have saw this coming. I kept having those dreams where she dies or something like that. A bigger sign was that I was finally feeling happy. Any time that happens in the winter, something bad happens. But hey, it could be worse. She could have actually, you know, croaked. But that was more of my luck say last year. If this is the worst thing that happens this winter, I can call this one of my better ones. Lets stay optimistic here.

[12/06/08 @ 2:44 am]
I cant sleep. I should be able to, for I am exhausted, not to mention that I have to catch a bus at 9:45 in the morning. In a way, it's too early to sleep, what with it being friday and all. I don't know; maybe if I try to get some shuteye...
I apologize for the lame useless entry. What else can you do when its a quarter to three and you went to your dorm to sleep then come to the conclusion that you cant sleep and you've done everything else imaginable?

[12/04/08 @ 9:52 pm]
You know, maybe I wouldn't be so pissy about christmas if people would SHUT THE FUCK UP about me being pissy about christmas.

[12/04/08 @ 1:48 am]
HA! You thought I wouldn't do it! But I DID! I am posting! muhahaha
So anyways...lately I have been feeling kinda depressed. Not as depressed as I was this time last year, hell no. Considering the time of year, I thought I'd be way worse. So in a way, it kinda takes me out of the moodyness to know I could be worse. The only thing that has been actually bothering me now is just being pissed at myself. The fact that I can't know for sure that there's a drug out there that I wouldn't try. I'm not saying that I'm gunna be out looking for coke or something like that, but I am saying that if a line was in front of me and someone offered it, I don't know if I could decline. I was so sure that I had all of those kind of problems dealt with. I had next to no desire to drink, the only reason I'd smoke was because I had it and wanted to get rid of it, I had everything under control. Then, the option of neither of those things comes up and I accept without thinking at all. Of course, when under the influence of one thing, I needed to be under the influence of everything. That was over and I was back to always sober all the time phase. Then thanksgiving break came up. I go to this party promising myself to be clean. So of course, I come home drunk and high. It is then that I realize that if my friends in college did more than drink, this is what I'd be doing every day. I get it. I'm in college. I'm supposed to want to party. But then, what happens if I end up like my dad? Unable to get out of that party mode; never grow up. What's worse is that I wanted to quit everything, at least till like, new years eve to like get everything completely out of my system. Then I realized promises I made to people, offerings people made to me that I accepted at the time, all different kinds of stuff and came to the conclusion that I couldn't even do that. Hence, I don't know if I'll ever.
K I just really needed to get that off of my chest. Now on to happy stuff!
Today and yesterday (well, technically now, yesterday and the day before) have been quite happy. I now have a room that I'm moving in to in Lenape next semester, I've been catching up with people I had lost touch with recently, things are overall like they were in the beginning of the school year. This has made me think, maybe this christmas season will be ok. Maybe nothing will happen in this month that will have me at the point that I was last year and the year before that and the year before that. Of course I wont get my hopes up though. If I start thinking all optimistic, things wont be good. Better to be surprised with happiness than shocked with pain.
Lindsay is now done with her rant. haha she doesn't post anything for months and then takes up the entire page. kbye

[12/01/08 @ 11:54 am]
So I've decided to start writing in here again. I don't have anything to post now, because anything I would post would take longer than four minutes, which is all I have because I have class soon. But not to worry! There's more to come!

[07/17/08 @ 8:22 pm]
so im back from florida. i REALLY needed this vacation lol. it was a way for me to escape the "reality" of high school drama and to face the reality of an ending. from sunday to wednesday i had no access to a computer or even television shows that i watch religiously (i was sleeping in kaylees room which meant nothing but noggin, disney and a little bit of nickelodian...goddamn i cant spell) so i didnt have much access to life back here besides my phone, which was off a lot of the time anyway. anywayyzzzzzz...it hadnt really hit me that jim was gone till i was actually at their house. kathy had decided to fill the void of the loss of a husband with 4 dogs, 3 cats, an assortment of chickens and ducks, and last but not least, a bunny. lol noone would expect any less from her. kathy didnt talk much about jim except with ma mere, but every once and a while kaylee would say something that would hit you hard. like the first day we got there, we were making this pomagranite drink and she goes "my daddy died. he was very sick and the docters couldnt make him better." and at this monkey exhibit we were looking at this guerilla family and kaylee puts her hand to the window and the baby monkey put its hand to hers. right after that she goes "that baby monkeys lucky. he gets a mommy and a daddy." i mean come on, what do you say after that? im not saying this whole vacation was a bummer, cuz it was far from it. in fact, at the beach i had some alone time, so i got to do something i havent done in ages: flirt. unfortunatly, the guy who took a bite had a strong scottish accent, but after a while it got easier to understand. he was cool; hes from glasgow, was about16 or 17 and on some pro soccer team...he told me his name but i couldnt understand it what with the accent and all...something like greg....idk...nothing happend tho. he was leaving that day and stuff but it was nice to have a little fun. and it didnt matter if i made a fool of myself cuz id probably never see him again unless i went to glasgow for some derranged reason...

this is a fairly long entry. i shall shut up now.

[07/05/08 @ 10:27 pm]
ahh july 5th. tis a day that has brought up a lot of questions. im gunna list them and hopefully one day answer them.

how come annoying people get more annoying when they get a minor injury?
how can someone make you feel guilty about something when they dont even know you did anything yet?
how can one phone call stop you from feeling the guilt from above?
how come someone tries to break up with me via online soical network, the breakup we are both conscience of is over the phone and i find out a few days later?
why, in all hell, am i not freaking out nor pissed off?
last but not least....WHEN IN HELL WILL LORI SHUT THE FUCK UPPPP?????

the end to my question rant.

[06/25/08 @ 8:11 pm]
ya no, it only makes you feel more like a bitch to fight with your parents when your younger sisters arm gets dislocated. Fights like the one i had seem pointless after that, mostly cuz it was. oh well.

[06/12/08 @ 4:55 pm]
yea...so ive been thinking...random but, i have noticed i like...kept a part of every relationship with me. i dont mean like body parts lol but like little habits or such they had have stuck to my personality if that makes sense. i know thats not a lot of guys but yea... like with joe(if that counts lmao) when i dated him, it kind of sparked my interest in music. i mean yea, i liked music, but i wasnt as diverse in my taste in music as i am now, thanks to him. and with greg, lol yesterday i was at the diner and i just hold up my knife and say "woo" or summin like that. someone i was there with immeadiatly says "how greg of you." and then with chris we can all say the random noises began with him lol. i guess well have to see what i get from steve tho lol. maybe ill end up learning how to play the banjo lol.

k thats my random rant of the day.

[06/04/08 @ 5:45 pm]
the rocket summer
phantom planet
this is gunna be friggin amazing! ive loved phantom planet for like, ever. and to have them AND the rocket summer together is to die for. theres no way im gunna be able to wait for the fall. plus the secret handshake and the morning light are gunna be there too, so this is a tour bound to please every trs fan. im excited...can you tell??

[06/02/08 @ 10:17 pm]
i think i might be slowly allowing myself to have feelings for steve. which sucks. i mean, sure, for the normal person, its a good thing. but idk if im ready to open up to annother guy. with all the times in the past being screwed over by guys, parental, athoritive or relationshipwise. and the more im with steve, the more comfortable i get with him. idk if im ready for that, cuz if i do open up, theres an increased chance of getting screwed over in the end...not that id think steve would do that, hes sweet like that...but hes a guy...idk ill see where things go...

k thats my millionth rant of the day

[06/02/08 @ 2:17 pm]

so im the only one in detention right now...wtf...i know AT LEAST rubens supposed to be here cuz he has either the same as me or more than i do to serve...this is friggin rediculous. and they wont even let me leave till 2:30. ive served about 20 minutes so far come on! the last few were fun cuz of the ppl in it. i mean we all got smoothies last time...

grrr its a lame freason for me to be here anyway. who the fuck gets 6 days for gym??? and it was origonally 8 too!lamelamelamelamelameeeeeeeeeeee....at least they let me on the computer cuz otherwise i would have been dead by now...only problem is that my normal sites are blocked. get ur mind out of the gutter i mean like facebook and shit. whateves....

still getting over this past week...didnt even realise that me and steve had been going out for a whole month until caitlin told me...not that i dont care its just that with everything else going on it was kind of pushed aside...im gunna try to make him go to the orchestra concert tonite tho so i can at least see him today...

at this point i have wasted 4 minutes on livejournal...6 more to go...god im fucking bored..5 more minutes

this is death...no cuz in death ur not bored, your dying. in fact, it is quite eventful(4 minutes). this however, is the exact oppisate. i am alive, and bored out of my fucking mind. i havent used the word fuck this much in like ever...well thats a lie, but in a while. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck(3 minutes)

ill leave you alll be now...byebye


[06/01/08 @ 2:11 pm]
so jims dead. and it sucks. i mean, i knew he was gunna die, what with there being no donor for him in the entire state of florida, but i thought hed make it to my graduation....plans were made ya no? and last time i saw him he was doing so well. true he was like 50 lbs lighter and looked weaker, but thats expected with cancer of any kind. it just kinda put a damper on stuff...

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